FEELING equal is what made me STOP participating in BEING equal
I took paternity leave and thought I checked the "male equality box"
When my daughter was born, I stayed home for the first month. I was there for the diapers, the night shifts, and learning how to be a dad for her right out of the gate. (List non-exhaustive obviously lol.)
I was proud of that. And I still am. Most guys take a few days, if that. Others aren’t so lucky because their jobs and/or government don’t offer paternity leave, and others choose not to take any time at all, even if it is offered. I live in Canada, which has pretty good government benefits for parents. And, on top of that, I was lucky to have a generous company perk which topped up my salary for up to two months, which I think should actually be the standard in the private industry (but that’s a whole other topic).
I was, and am, proud of myself because, 9 years later, men taking paternity leave, let alone immediately after their child is born, is still not the norm. However, I also now know it helped me fall into a false sense of superiority.
Being One of the Good Ones
By the time my daughter was born, I already considered myself “one of the good ones.” My thought process on this was, and I quote, “I was a pretty decent person, especially for a man.” And taking an immediate bout paternity leave only strengthened that story for me.
But the truth is, I used that good-guy label to avoid continuing to deconstruct other ingrained sexist behaviours within me. The same sexist behaviours that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, lives in most of us — especially men — thanks to growing up in a society that places higher value on men’s achievements and actions.
Because here’s what happened after my wife and I were both back at work full-time: whenever our daughter got sick, my wife was the default parent who took over. Her taking on that role didn’t happen because we talked it through and landed on that decision. In fact, we didn’t talk about it at all. It just…happened. Even though I made more money at the time, it was only by the smallest of margins. We both had good-paying jobs and worked really hard, so her taking care of our sick child shouldn’t have been the installed default setting that it so clearly was.
Crazily enough, it was her default setting too. She and I have since talked about it, and I can confirm that, at the time, even she thought my job was the priority. Again, we had not verbally agreed to this. It was just something we both had been manipulated into believing at the time.
So I’d go to work, and she’d stay home. Rinse and repeat.
The Trap
What I didn’t notice for an embarrassingly long time was that my good-guy label blocked me from being able to see the inequality in my actions. After all, I took paternity leave immediately. And I built a story around that for myself: my wife didn’t change a single diaper in the first two weeks of my daughter’s life. I was an involved dad. And I firmly believe that the immediate time with my daughter has made me the father I am today. And while these actions were good and helpful — and actions I’m proud to have taken — they also let me cling to that good-guy label in my head. So much so that it never occurred to me that that’s all it was: a label, and a temporary label at that.
And that’s the trap I think a lot of us men are in without knowing it.
When we decide we’re good guys, there’s a real risk we stop auditing ourselves. Because why would we? We already did the work — we took the leave, we did the dishes, and we’re better dads than our dads were to us. In other words, we’ve cleared the bar. And once we’ve cleared the bar, it’s tempting to let every choice after that get waved off. We already got the label, so now we can kick our feet up and relax. Now we can get back to normal.
Looking back now, that’s how I read my own situation, because taking paternity leave didn’t make me equal. It made me feel equal.
And feeling equal is what made me stop participating in being equal.
I had given myself the male version of a participation trophy. I showed up for a period of time and wanted all the adoration of a man who dedicates his life to building and maintaining equality within the family household. Because, as we’re seeing all over the world right now, achieving equality in any capacity does not mean it will stay that way. Unless current, hard-fought levels of equality are maintained, they can be taken away.
I’m convinced – now more than ever – that the good-guy identity is not something men earn once. Being a good man — which is really just being a good person — is a practice, not a label. And clinging to the label “good guy” so vigorously is something I am now suspicious of. I now see it as a signal to look deeper.
Nowadays
My wife took those sick days for longer than I’d like to admit before I clocked what was happening. And when I finally did, it wasn’t because I was reflecting on my feminism or reading something that cracked me open. It was smaller than that. I just watched it happen one more time, and something snagged.
We fixed how sick days are handled in our household. But I’ve started to assume there’s another version of the sick days scenario lying within me — some sexist default running quietly in the background right now that I can’t see, because the good-guy story is doing its job and telling me there’s nothing there to find. So this is where I’m left: not finished, just more alert to what I still might be missing.
If you’re a man who’s pretty sure he’s one of the good ones, I don’t doubt that. But being sure of that is the part that should make you nervous.
Take care,
Mike
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I love your reframe as a practice, not a label.
This is some productive self-reflection. Now go change the world.