When “Protecting” Women Becomes Taking Away Their Choices

Even well-intentioned men can undermine women’s autonomy without realizing it

When my first paid subscriber came through, my first instinct wasn’t gratitude. It was to refund her.

From the start of this Substack, I had it in my head that if a woman paid me, it meant I had somehow coerced her into it. That I’d taken money from someone who had already done enough for the cause. So I’d gone out of my way to tell women: Don’t pay me.

I said ‘don’t pay me’ to women in my welcome email to free subscribers. I said ‘don’t pay me’ it Substack’s plans page for Mind the Gap. If there was a chance to tell women to not pay me, I took it.

So when this subscription came through, my mind went into overdrive:

• Should I issue a refund?

• Should I email her to make sure she meant to do it?

• Was this a mistake I needed to correct?

It took me a minute to realize what I was really doing: I was second-guessing her judgment.

The irony hit hard.

A cornerstone of my content is that men need to believe women without demanding proof. Yet here I was — with proof in hand — finding a way to question her choice.

It wasn’t about the subscription. It was about autonomy.

When I told women not to support me financially, I thought I was being noble.

The way I see it now, I was attempting to remove their agency in the same way patriarchal systems so often decide for them what they should and shouldn’t do with their own resources.

I wasn’t protecting women. I was gatekeeping their choices and making myself the hero in the story.

🤦‍♂️

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: men, even those of us who are trying to be the best allies we can be, fall into the trap of thinking we know what’s best for women. Even when they’ve already made their decision.

This isn’t just about running a Substack.

It’s about parenting, partnerships, workplaces, and politics. How often do men override a woman’s choice “for her own good”? How often do we frame that as respect or care when it’s really about control and what we want?

I still market my work to men because that’s where I think my influence is most needed. And I still plan on never asking a woman to pay for my Substack. But I’ve stopped telling women not to support me.

Because respecting women’s autonomy isn’t just about listening when they say “no.” It’s also about believing them when they say “yes.”

Take care,
Mike

PS: I’m always open to feedback, so feel free to leave a comment. I believe in the phrase, “Strong beliefs, loosely held.”